The Cupid Chronicles
by Nate Grey
Summary: Fred hires the gang to find a strange creature with an even stranger talent for making people fall in love...
1. Just Another Job...

The Cupid Chronicles 1: Just Another Job  
  
Note: My first Outlaw Star fic. It's a humor-romance-slight angst thingee. Enjoy!  
  
Summary: Fred gives the OS crew a new job, and Jim gets pounced on (but not by Fred!).  
  
  
Normally, Jim would be paying attention to everything Fred was saying. After all, someone had to get all the details about the job. Gene was hardly listening at all (as usual), and Aisha had decided right away that Fred's fancy paperweight was a lot more interesting than anything he had to say. Even now, she was tossing it from hand to hand, looking a lot like a child with a new toy. It was times like this that Jim wished his life was more like hers. Almost.  
  
With a sigh, he turned his attention back to Fred.  
  
"Now, do you think you can handle it?" Fred asked once he was done explaining.  
  
"Sure, no problem," Gene replied, stifling a yawn.  
  
Fred glared at him. "Gene, this is a very important job! You haven't been listening to a word I've said!"  
  
"That's why I have Jim," Gene pointed out. "Right now, he's probably figuring out how we can have this job done by lunch." Gene grinned at the boy. "Isn't that right, partner?"  
  
"Uh...right," Jim quickly agreed.  
  
Fred smiled. "Well, at least someone around here takes their work seriously. Jim, I know you'll be a great-looking man someday!"  
  
"Don't you mean he'll be a great man?" Gene asked.  
  
"I meant what I said," Fred replied, winking at Jim.  
  
Jim barely kept himself from shuddering. He didn't understand how Gene could stand being this close to Fred. He was always smiling, winking, or finding ways to touch them whenever possible. Gene managed to ignore most of it, but it was really getting to Jim.  
  
"So how do you wanna handle this, Jimmy?"  
  
Jim blinked and turned to look at Aisha. "What did you just call me?"  
  
"Jimmy," she repeated, glancing at him. "You don't like it?"  
  
"It's almost as bad as when Gene calls me James. No, in fact, it's worse."  
  
"Too bad. I'm giving each of you a nickname, so there. Now I just need one for Melfina and the talking ship."  
  
"You mean Gilliam," Jim said. "What about Gene?"  
  
"He already has one. Dummy."  
  
Jim rolled his eyes. "Whatever. So what is it?"  
  
Aisha looked at him. "I just said it. Dummy."  
  
Gene shot Aisha one of his threatening looks, which might've worked on anyone else. "Anyway, how much does this pay again, Fred?"  
  
"Seventy thousand wong, if you can prove that you found the creature. Seventy million if you can capture it."  
  
Aisha dropped the paperweight when she heard that. Jim dove out of his chair and caught it just in time. "Careful, Aisha! This thing probably costs more than our last meal did!"  
  
"A lot more," Fred added, snatching the paperweight away and looking annoyed. "Next time, play with something less expensive...like a ball of string."  
  
Aisha ignored him and smiled at Jim. "Nice catch, Jimmy. You're ALMOST as fast as a baby Ctarl-Ctarl would be...if it were sick. But at least you're cuter."   
  
Jim wasn't sure if she meant that he was cuter than a baby Ctarl-Ctarl, or one that happened to be sick. He decided to just take it as a compliment. "Thanks, I guess."  
  
"If the baby ones are so fast, why didn't YOU catch it?" Gene asked.  
  
"I knew Jimmy could handle it," Aisha replied. "Unlike some OTHER people I know. A delicate flower such as myself always knows to surround herself with at least one capable person."  
  
"I wish someone would step on the delicate flower already," Gene muttered.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Melfina was almost done making dinner when she heard the familiar sounds of Gene and Aisha yelling at each other, which meant they'd just returned from seeing Fred about a job. With a smile, she leaned into the hallway. "Dinner will be ready soon!"  
  
Of course, Jim was the only one that heard her. "Thanks, Mel! Be there in a minute!"  
  
"Is Suzuka with you? She left right after you did."  
  
"No, we haven't seen her. Fred still gets nervous when we mention her, so we decided she shouldn't go." Jim paused in the doorway. "Hey, Melfina?"  
  
"Yes, Jim?"  
  
"Have you ever...um...never mind. I'm gonna go wash up for dinner." Jim quickly ran upstairs.  
  
Melfina watched him go, a curious look on her face.  
  
Just then, Aisha bounded into the kitchen. "Something smells great! Can we eat it yet?" She peered into the large pot on the stove.  
  
Melfina gently pushed Aisha's head away. "Soon, Aisha. Have you noticed anything strange about Jim lately?"  
  
"Well, he has been spending a lot more time in his room. I'll drag him out for you." Before Melfina could stop her, Aisha was already leaping up the stairs.  
  
Aisha didn't even bother to knock on Jim's door, she simply opened it and peered inside.   
  
Jim was sitting on his bed, staring at the floor. His shoulders shook slightly, and Aisha couldn't figure out what he was doing until her sensitive ears picked up a quiet sob. She crept into the room and stopped by the foot of the bed.  
  
Jim was indeed crying, there was no mistake about it. Tears were running down his face and staining his shirt, though he didn't seem to notice or care.  
  
"Jim, why are you crying?"  
  
Jim's head snapped up. "Aisha! What are you doing in here?"  
  
"I asked you first," she replied.  
  
"It's nothing," he said, wiping his nose on his sleeve.  
  
"Even a baby Ctarl-Ctarl wouldn't cry over nothing, Jim."  
  
"Would you stop comparing everyone to them?! I'm not a Ctarl-Ctarl!"  
  
"Unfortunately," she muttered, glancing at the floor. "At least then I'd have someone to-" Aisha paused when she realized he was staring at her. "What are you looking at?"  
  
"Nothing," he said quickly, looking away.  
  
"So are you gonna tell me why you were crying, or do I have to drag it out of you?"  
  
"Just forget about it, Aisha. Dinner's probably ready by now." He got off the bed and started to walk past her.  
  
Aisha grabbed his arm. "You're not going anywhere until you tell me."  
  
Jim started to shove her away, but suddenly found himself on the bed. Before he realized what was happening, his face was shoved into the pillow, and he felt Aisha's weight on his back.  
  
"Now," he heard her say, "we can do this the easy way or the Ctarl-Ctarl way."  
  
"Let me go!" he screamed into the pillow.  
  
Aisha dug her claws into his shoulders, not enough to really hurt, but enough to let him know she meant business. "First, you have to say that I, Aisha ClanClan, am the most beautiful and delicate flower of the entire Ctarl-Ctarl empire, and that I can still whoop your butt any day of the week. That should teach you not to underestimate me again."  
  
Jim wasn't going to do it, but after a few minutes, he gave up and said what she wanted.  
  
"Good boy, Jimmy. I always knew you were smart." She ruffled his hair like she always did, then let him up. "Now, why were you crying?"  
  
"You made me forget," Jim replied, looking puzzled as he sat up.  
  
"Oh. Well, I tried." Aisha turned and started to leave.   
  
"Thanks, Aisha," Jim said suddenly. "For cheering me up...or beating me up...or...well, whatever that was."  
  
She grinned. "Anytime, Jimmy! Just let me know when you need your tail kicked, and I'll come running!"  
  
Jim frowned. "Hey, wait a minute!"   
  
* * * * *  
  
Suzuka sipped her tea quietly. "Let me get this straight. You've been hired to find a creature that supposedly makes anyone it wants fall in love with a person in their memories?"  
  
"Basically," Gene replied.  
  
"And you expect me to help catch it?"  
  
"Well, not really. But we'd appreciate it. This thing is supposed to be very elusive."  
  
"I want an equal share of the reward."  
  
"Done. Whoever helps will get their portion."  
  
Suzuka took another sip. "Then everyone is going?"  
  
Gene shook his head. "Only Jim and Aisha, so far. Melfina thinks it might be too dangerous for her."  
  
Suzuka arched an eyebrow. "You didn't say it was dangerous."  
  
"Well, Jim assumes it is. We are getting seventy million wong for bringing it back alive."  
  
"Very well. I'll help. When do we leave?"  
  
"Tomorrow morning." Gene stared to get up.  
  
"One more thing, Gene."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"If this creature happens to bring me under its influence? I will hold you personally responsible for anything that happens to me."  
  
Gene frowned. "Why?"  
  
"Because you're the only one I could imagine taking advantage of a helpless woman."  
  
"HEY!"  
  
"Just see that nothing bad happens to me. Because if it does, something bad will happen to YOU."  
  
* * * * *  
  
Jim didn't get any sleep that night. He'd finally remembered what made him cry earlier, and now it wouldn't go away again.  
  
If he tried hard enough he could see her face, hear her laughter, feel her hand in his.  
  
"I miss you, Homniyo," he whispered to no one in particular.  
  
The simple act of saying her name made his heart ache in places he never knew existed. If only he knew where she was, and why she hadn't shown up that evening, maybe he'd feel better. Maybe.   
  
He suddenly wished that Aisha were around, so that she could make him laugh, or do something to make him forget about Homniyo. Actually, now that he thought about it, he was never unhappy around Aisha. In many ways, she was a lot like Homniyo. They were both very agile and seemed to have a talent for making him smile. And neither of them was ever very far from his thoughts. And not that it was really a similarity, but Homniyo had two cats, and Aisha...well, she WAS a cat, when you got right down to it. But Jim liked cats, so maybe it did count, after all.  
  
And they were both beautiful in their own ways. Homniyo's beauty was a bit more obvious, and surrounded by a layer of cuteness that wouldn't fade for several more years. Aisha's, on the other hand, wasn't so obvious at first glance. She just looked like...well, a CAT. But the more Jim looked at her, the more he noticed how attractive she was. She was like something out of a fairy tale he'd once read. Except that Aisha wasn't a prince or a frog, though she certainly acted like a stuck-up princess at times. But only when Gene got on her nerves.  
  
Jim blinked and shook his head. "Wait, what am I thinking? Aisha...attractive?!" He sighed and closed his eyes. "I must be losing it. There's no way she could ever compete with Homniyo." But as he drifted off into a troubled sleep, Jim had no idea how wrong he was.  
  
Continued in Part 2: Catch the CACHIT!  
  
The gang gets their first glimpse of the target [his name's Cachit (or Catch-It, minus the t! Get it? Get it?! Ah, never mind...)], and Suzuka is the first to fall...in love, that is. But with who? The answer may shock you!  



	2. Catch the CACHIT!

The Cupid Chronicles 2: Catch the CACHIT!  
  
Note: Despite the rumors, this is NOT a Gene/Suzuka fic. I really don't see how they could ever get together, with Gene annoying her all the time. So it ain't happening here. Trust me when I say Suzuka will be with the person you'd least expect. At least, I think so. And keep in mind that this IS supposed to be funny, even if it is a romance story.  
  
Summary: The gang gets their first glimpse of the target, and Suzuka is the first to fall...in love, that is. But with who? The answer may shock you!  
  
  
Cachit wasn't stupid. He didn't trust anyone, not after what the humans had done. Or tried to do, anyway. Before long, he figured out that he'd be hunted for the rest of his life. So he made life miserable for any human that came after him. His brand of justice was a twisted one, though. He made them happy for the rest of their lives...even if it was just an illusion of happiness, it seemed real enough to his victims.  
  
But as the net came down over his head, Cachit realized that humans were a persistent race. He decided to wait and see what kind of person had tried to capture him this time.   
  
It was a red-haired man with dark eyes. Nothing too special there. The star tattoo on his shoulder was...different, but lots of humans had tattoos. Some only had one, while others wore them like a second skin. Then the man spoke.  
  
"Gotcha, you little runt!"  
  
Cachit didn't like being called a runt. So he drew back and headbutted the man right between the eyes. He heard a muttered curse, and within seconds, he was free, racing across the rocky plains. He hadn't gotten far when another human tackled him.  
  
This one was much smaller than the last, and he smelled like motor oil. He tried a different approach.  
  
"Hold on, little guy," he said, patting Cachit's head. "We're not gonna hurt you."  
  
Cachit liked the way his fingers felt. But then he spotted the red-haired human closing in, and leaped out of the boy's arms.  
  
"After him, Jim!" the man shouted.  
  
"Gene, back off! I had him until you came along!"  
  
Gene sighed. "Well, never mind now. He's heading towards the ship. Let's hope Aisha and Suzuka have better luck..."  
  
* * * * *  
  
Aisha was bored. In fact, she'd almost fallen asleep when she felt something rub against her ankle. She slowly looked up to see...something...sitting next to her foot. It had been so quiet that even her ears hadn't caught its approach.  
  
The creature appeared to be a blue dragon, though it was the size of a small dog. It had tiny, white wings on its back, which flapped silently every few seconds. That was probably how the thing had snuck up on her.  
  
Aisha quickly realized that this was the creature they were looking for. She slowly stretched out a paw. "Hi there, little guy. You lost?"  
  
The baby dragon let out a low squeal and pressed its snout against her paw.  
  
Aisha smiled and scratched his head. "Well, I don't see what's so dangerous about you."  
  
"THERE IT IS!" Gene screamed. "GET IT!"  
  
The baby dragon's eyes widened, and he took off like a shot. He hadn't gotten far when a blur of white and red flew past, slamming him to the ground.  
  
Gene and Jim finally ran up to find Suzuka crouching on the ground, holding the struggling dragon in her arms.   
  
"Jim, get the tranquilizers!" she shouted.  
  
"I'm on it!" Gene said as he pulled some needles from his pocket.  
  
Upon spotting the needles, the dragon let out a frightened squeal and began struggling even harder.   
  
Suddenly, there was an earth-shaking explosion. When the dust settled, Aisha was the first to speak.  
  
"Brilliant move, Gene. Why don't you just SHOW him the needles before you stick him? That way he can know EXACTLY what he's getting into!"  
  
"Shut up, Aisha! I didn't see you doing anything!"  
  
"Um...I was luring him in! Until YOU came along and ruined it! Why'd you start shouting, anyway?!"  
  
"Hey, everybody SHUT UP for a minute!" Jim cried.  
  
Gene and Aisha fell silent, not because Jim told them to, but because he probably had something important to say.  
  
Jim cleared his throat. "Has anyone seen Suzuka?"  
  
"Hey, she IS gone!" Gene suddenly realized. "The last time I saw her, she was holding the thing-"  
  
"And then it blew up," Aisha finished with her usual talent for describing the obvious.  
  
"I don't think so, Aisha," Jim said. "I think it might have teleported."  
  
"Teleported?!" Gene cried. "It already moves like a cheetah on steroids! Why in the world would it need to teleport?!"  
  
"Well, SOMETHING blew up," Aisha muttered sullenly. "How else can you explain the huge explosion?"  
  
Jim frowned. "I was wondering about that, too. I think it was a distraction."  
  
"Worked pretty well," Gene mumbled, kicking at some debris. "So not only is the thing super-fast, but now it can actually HURT us."  
  
"Among other things," Jim added.  
  
"Oh, right. The love thing. Well, I don't know about Suzuka, but at least we know Mel's safe, right?"  
  
"But Suzuka was part of the crew, too, Gene. We can't just forget about her."  
  
"Yeah!" Aisha chimed in. "If it wasn't for her, we never would've known that thing could explode like that! I say we form a search party and find Suzu!"  
  
Gene rolled his eyes. "Well, I say you're both nuts. That doesn't pay anything, but that little blue thing is worth SEVENTY MILLION WONG!!! So you can go look for Suzuka, but I'm going after that Smurf reject, even if I have to do it all by myself!"  
  
"FINE!" Aisha shouted. "I'll be sure to let Suzu know you said that when we find her!"  
  
Gene snorted, and then gasped. "Wait! I see her!"  
  
"Where?!" Jim cried, looking around.  
  
"There! And there! And there!" Gene laughed, pointing to various places on the ground. "Ooh, and there's a little bit of her here, too!"  
  
"THAT'S NOT FUNNY, GENE STARWIND!" Aisha screamed.  
  
Gene grinned. "Really? Cracks me up. Heh."  
  
"YAAAAARRRRRGH!" Aisha suddenly turned and leaped onto Gene, attempting to bash his head in. "How can you be so insensitive?!" she screamed.  
  
Jim didn't even try to pull Aisha off. She was much stronger, and he'd probably get slashed to ribbons if he got in the way. Besides, he agreed with her. Gene was being a real jerk, and they didn't even know if Suzuka was alive or not.  
  
Of course, she was, but THEY didn't know that...  
  
* * * * *  
  
Suzuka wasn't what you might call the shy type. She had absolutely no problem going anywhere to get something done. Which was probably part of the reason she'd slipped into the expensive penthouse in the first place. The second reason was hovering over her shoulder, watching her progress. The third reason was actually in the bed she was staring at.  
  
The man was obviously asleep, as was evident by his loud snores. Strangely enough, he was wearing some sort of night mask to keep the moonlight out of his eyes, and clutching a doll that looked mysteriously like a certain Outlaw.  
  
Suzuka hardly noticed any of that, though. She just thought he was the most impressive sight she'd ever seen. She carefully stepped away from the white curtains, taking deep breaths as she approached the bed.  
  
The man grunted slightly and rolled over, then began to snore again.  
  
Suzuka continued her approach, until she tripped over something on the floor. She landed on all fours with a loud thump, which woke the sleeping man.  
  
"Huh? Who's there?!" he called with a shaky voice. "I'm armed!"  
  
Suzuka quickly scrambled to her feet as he removed the mask from his face. "Don't worry, my darling," she whispered seductively. "It's only me."  
  
The man's face turned white. "NO! Get away from me! Guards! Guards! HELP!"  
  
Suzuka chuckled softly. "They can't hear you. They're all unconscious now. I wanted to be sure there would no interruptions."  
  
The man swallowed nervously. "Fine. Just go ahead and kill me."  
  
"Oh, I'm not here to do that," she responded, stopping at the foot of the bed. "I'm here to make sure that you never forget the name...of Twilight Suzuka."  
  
The man gulped loudly. "Look, I can pay you! Whatever you want!"  
  
"It's not about the money," she whispered, slowly untying her kimono.  
  
The man's eyes widened. "Wait. What are you doing?! Stop that at once!"  
  
Suzuka smiled impishly. "Make me." She tossed her sash aside, allowing the kimono to slip away from her shoulders.  
  
"AAH!" The man covered his eyes. "No, no, no! Put it back on! PLEASE!"  
  
The kimono gradually fell away from her lovely body, hitting the floor in near silence. Then Suzuka's smile widened, and she slowly crawled onto the bed. "Don't worry, my dearest," she whispered. "I'll be gentle with you...at first."  
  
The man tried to back away, but she was on him in a second, straddling his chest and pinning his arms with her hands. "No!" he whimpered. "Y-You can't DO this! I don't even like woMMMMMPH!"  
  
Suzuka silenced him with a passionate kiss that nearly lasted an entire minute.  
Then she began to undress him.  
  
"You have to listen to me!" he pleaded, panic slipping into his voice. "You can't do this! I DON'T LIKE WOMEN! I'M GAY, DAMMIT! G-A-Y! GAY!"  
  
Suzuka's lips brushed against his ear, and she whispered ever so softly, "Not for long."  
  
The man's eyes widened in sheer terror, and he let out a bloodcurdling scream that sounded remarkably like a woman's.  
  
Cachit grinned at his latest masterpiece from the window. Yes, Suzuka would make that lucky man very happy, if only he could stop screaming like that. But now it was time to make sure that her friends hadn't messed up his home. So Cachit flew away from the penthouse window, even as Fred Luo's screams continued until...yeah, you guessed it...twilight.  
  
* * * * *  
  
"NO! Go left! LEFT, DANGIT! AAAAAH!"  
  
Jim smiled as Aisha's spacecraft got blown up for the sixth time. His, on the other hand, didn't have a scratch on it. Not that it mattered anymore. The screen flashed, and the words "GAME OVER!" flew up in big, bold, multicolored letters.  
  
Aisha threw the controller down. "No fair! Human games are stupid!"  
  
"Is that because you lost, or because I won?" Jim asked.  
  
Aisha's eyes narrowed. "It's because...HEY!"  
  
Jim laughed as he stood up. He did enjoy teasing her, especially when he was the only one that could get away with it. It gave him a certain feeling of power that was unusual to have over any Ctarl-Ctarl, much less one of Aisha's fierce temper.   
  
Aisha stood up as well, still glaring at him, but didn't move to pounce on him. Instead, she stole a page from Gene's book. She put him in a headlock and gave him a noogie to remember.  
  
"Ow, OW!" Jim shouted. "C'mon, Aisha! Let go!"  
  
"Say it!" she demanded.  
  
"Okay, okay! Aisha ClanClan is the most delicate and beautiful flower of the Ctarl-Ctarl Empire, and she can kick my butt anytime!"  
  
Aisha released him, going into a fit of giggles when she noticed what a mess his hair was. However, she didn't have time to giggle long as something slammed into the back of her head with an audible pop. Before she realized it, she was drenched.  
  
Aisha slowly turned to see Jim holding a water balloon in one hand. He grinned evilly and took a step towards her.  
  
"You wouldn't DARE," she hissed. "You don't have the guts!"  
  
The water balloon hit her right in the face.  
  
"No, but I sure got the arm!" Jim chuckled.  
  
"JIM!" Aisha roared, diving at him.  
  
Jim ducked out of her reach and took off. He could hear her just a few steps behind him, growling and hissing like something twice her size. Jim wondered faintly if he'd gone too far this time. "Should've taken pictures," he muttered. "I'll never get a chance like that again."  
  
As Jim tore up the stairs, he glanced behind him, letting out a startled gasp. At some point, Aisha had lost it and actually transformed. Now all he could see was something that resembled a huge Siberian tiger...on steroids, anyway. He swallowed noisily and kept running, despite the protests his legs were beginning to give him. There was no way he could stop now.  
  
Finally, his legs wouldn't cooperate, and Jim dove into the nearest room. He didn't realize it was Aisha's until it was too late.  
  
Aisha burst into the room, only to find Jim cowering on the bed. She let out a roar of anger, and then leaped effortlessly onto the bed, baring her razor-sharp teeth.  
  
Jim drew back, even as her hot breath rolled over his face. It seemed like a good time to apologize if there ever was one. He opened his mouth, but all that came out was tiny squeak. He kept trying until it actually worked. "Aisha," he whispered, "I'm sorry! Don't hurt me! I'm really sorry! Honest!"  
  
He waited for the heavy paw to come crashing down on his head. Only it never came. Jim started to relax, until the hot breath returned. He whimpered and lowered his head. And was quite surprised, but not exactly relieved, when a long, wet tongue licked his cheek. He slowly raised his head, only to stare up at Aisha's grinning face.  
  
"Gotcha," she whispered.  
  
Jim blinked in disbelief for a few seconds. Then he fainted.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Melfina glanced at the clock. "Gene's been out there a long time, Gilliam. Maybe I should check on him."  
  
"I cannot allow that, Melfina. Gene gave me strict orders that you were to remain onboard at all times. However, I would have no problem doing a perimeter scan."  
  
She sighed. "Okay, do that."  
  
There was a slight pause before Gilliam spoke. "Gene is about one kilometer south of the ship. He is alone."  
  
"And you still haven't found Suzuka?"  
  
"I'm afraid not, dear. She's still missing, but...wait. Someone else is out there with Gene."  
  
Melfina's eyes widened. "What? Who?"  
  
"I'm not sure, but I've just picked up another ship. It's the El Dorado."  
  
* * * * *  
  
Gene grunted and shifted his weight to his right leg. "Stupid dragon. First he's all over the place, and now he won't even come out. But I'll be waiting for him."  
  
Suddenly, there was a slight noise behind him.  
  
Gene spun around, aiming his gun, only to have a great weight crash into the back of his head. He dropped to the ground like a stone.  
  
The young man behind him chuckled and dropped the large rock, which would've been hard for the average human to lift. A small device emerged from his arm, and he spoke into it. "I got him, Ron."  
  
"Nice work, Harry," replied the voice on the other end. "What about the others?"  
  
"They're probably in the ship. What should I do with Starwind?"  
  
"Leave him. I'll be coming right behind you. Just get on that ship and make sure it doesn't go anywhere."  
  
"Understood." Harry grinned as he stared at the Outlaw Star. "I'm almost there, Melfina," he whispered with a twisted smile, "and I'm coming for you!"  
  
* * * * *  
  
When Jim came to, he instantly knew that he was still in Aisha's room. Partially because it smelled like her, but mostly because she was lying right next to him. Her long, white braid acted as a barrier, separating the two of them.  
  
His first thought was to leave and to do it quickly. But something prevented Jim from leaving. Instead, he wondered what if might feel like to touch her hair. He carefully reached out and touched a few of the silky strands, momentarily forgetting how sensitive a Ctarl-Ctarl's skin (yes, even their hair) was.  
  
Aisha instantly turned over and looked at him.  
  
Jim swallowed a gasp and tried to come up with an explanation.  
  
But Aisha just smiled. "You're a very lucky, kid, Jimmy."  
  
He blinked. "Why?"  
  
"You're one of the few humans I can tolerate."  
  
"Is that why I'm still in one piece?" he asked.  
  
She nodded. "I always knew you were smart. Just didn't think you were crazy."  
  
Jim grinned uneasily. "I guess Gene's rubbing off on me. I needed a challenge."  
  
"And did you get it?" she asked, giving him a toothy grin. On anyone else, it might have been endearing, but on Aisha, it just looked scary.  
  
"Definitely," he replied, not wanting to risk being chased again.  
  
"In that case, you can stay here tonight." She rolled over and turned away from him. "But no snoring!"  
  
"Right." Jim paused for a moment. "Hey, Aisha?" he asked quietly.  
  
"What?" she murmured, already starting to fall asleep again.  
  
He decided to ask her the question that had been starting to bother him. "When you said I was cute...did you mean I was cuter than a healthy baby Ctarl-Ctarl, or one that was sick?"  
  
Aisha didn't glance back at him, as he thought she might. Instead, she muttered a few seconds later, "A healthy one. Go to sleep."  
  
But Jim didn't sleep very much. Instead, he found himself playing with Aisha's hair again. Only this time, she didn't try to stop him. He never even gave thought to why, which was pretty unusual for someone like him.   
  
Then again, Aisha was always telling him to stop working so hard and relax. Being around her, he really did feel like a kid again, and not some eleven year old prodigy that could assemble a working computer in three minutes. It was a nice feeling, one that he hadn't felt since Hamniyo. But it was certainly one he could get used to.  
  
Continued in Part 3: Crazy Love  
  
Mama McDougall would be turning in her grave if she could see what her boys were up to! You wouldn't believe what Cachit's got in store for these two brothers! Plus, Gene gains a male admirer...and it isn't Fred! (he's a little busy now...heh...) And if that wasn't enough, Suzuka returns, but with startling news!  



	3. Crazy Love

The Cupid Chronicles 3: Crazy Love  
  
Note: Harry fans, you do NOT want to read this. You've been warned.  
  
Summary: You wouldn't believe what Cachit's got in store for these two brothers! Plus, Gene gains a male admirer...and it isn't Fred! (he's a little busy now...heh...) And if that wasn't enough, Suzuka returns, but with startling news!  
  
  
Gene groaned and slowly opened his eyes, only to stare up the barrel of a large gun.  
  
"So you're awake," the gun's owner said.  
  
Gene's eyes narrowed as he recognized the voice. "Ron McDougall."  
  
"That's right, Starwind. This time, there's nowhere to run. It's just you, me, and my gun."  
  
Gene bit his lip and glanced around. He could see his guns lying a few feet away. Ron had most likely taken them and dumped out the bullets already.  
  
"So where do you want it?" Ron asked, a smile forming on his face.  
  
Before Gene could answer, there was a loud beeping.  
  
Ron sighed in anger and pulled a radio out of his coat pocket. "What is it, Harry?"  
  
"I'm onboard the Outlaw Star, and the ship is now secured."  
  
Gene's eyes narrowed. "If you've hurt any of them-"  
  
"You won't be able to do a thing to stop us," Ron interrupted. He spoke into the radio. "Good work, Harry. Find anything on our target?"  
  
"Just some notes stashed in the kid's room. I don't think they know any more about it than we...what the hell?!"  
  
A confused look passed over Ron's face. "What is it?"  
  
There was a scream of pain, followed by the sound of the radio hitting the floor.  
  
"Harry? HARRY!" Ron shouted.  
  
Suddenly, the sound of heavy breathing came through. "Harry's out at the moment," a voice growled.  
  
"Boy, is he ever," a voice in the background muttered.  
  
Gene blinked in disbelief. "Jim?" he whispered.  
  
"Who is this?!" Ron demanded.  
  
"Just your friendly neighborhood Ctarl-Ctarl Protection Agents," Jim's cheerful voice replied. "Oh, and if you want your brother back in one piece, I suggest you get here before Aisha starts pulling off the limbs that aren't detachable."  
  
Gene could only grin. "Looks like that plan of yours is falling apart."  
  
Ron's hand whipped out, smashing the gun barrel across Gene's face. "On your feet, Starwind! Move it!"  
  
Gene stumbled to his feet, wiping some blood from his chin. "Touchy, aren't we?"  
  
Ron pressed the gun into his back. "Just start walking."  
  
* * * * *  
  
Melfina stared uneasily at Harry's bruised body as Aisha finished typing him up.   
  
"Don't worry, Mel," Jim said, patting her shoulder. "He can't hurt you now."   
  
As if on cue, Harry's eyes snapped open. They glanced around the room, until his gaze landed on Melfina. His expression softened a bit, but there was still a frightening look in his eyes. "Melfina," he whispered, trying to lean forward. "I knew I'd find you!"  
  
Melfina backed away. "He's scaring me!"  
  
Aisha reached over and pounded Harry on the forehead, causing him to hit the floor, along with the chair he was tied to. "Problem solved," she said simply.  
  
Jim grinned. "That was cool, the way you bit off his arm."  
  
"Yeah, well, when you're gifted," Aisha said, flashing him a smile.  
  
"What about Gene?" Melfina asked.   
  
"Ron's bringing him right now," Jim answered. "We'll trade Harry for Gene. I don't know about Suzuka. Gilliam hasn't been able to find her anywhere on this planet. I guess it's deserted, other than the little guy we're looking for."  
  
The words were barely out of his mouth when Cachit appeared in front of them. He let out a delighted squeal and flew into Aisha's arms.  
  
"Whoa! Where did he come from?" Jim asked.  
  
"I don't know," Aisha replied as Cachit tried to lick her face, "but he sure is happy to see me."  
  
"I'LL KILL YOU ALL!" Harry suddenly screamed from the floor. Of course, he didn't look very threatening all tied up, but his face was fairly alarming.  
  
Cachit growled and flew over to Harry.  
  
"Um...what do you think he's gonna do?" Jim whispered to Aisha.  
  
Aisha shrugged. "Whatever he does, it should be fun to watch."  
  
* * * * *  
  
When Ron and Gene got within a yard of the ship, Aisha appeared, dragging a somewhat conscious Harry with her.  
  
Ron stopped where he was. "Hold it right there! What have you done to Harry?!"  
  
"Probably the same thing you did to Gene," Aisha replied, noticing the blood dripping from Gene's chin. "You ready to trade or what?"  
  
Ron frowned and nodded, poking Gene in the back. "Move it."  
  
Gene slowly started forward, as did Harry, who was still trying to clear his head. As they passed each other, Harry suddenly shook his head, turned around, and gasped. He broke into a mad run, but in the wrong direction.  
  
"Harry, what are you doing?!" Ron shouted.  
  
Harry kept running, closing in on Gene.  
  
"Gene, LOOK OUT!" Aisha screamed.  
  
Gene whipped around, barely pulling the gun from his boot in time.  
  
But Harry didn't even seem to notice the gun. He shoved Gene out of the way and kept going. His objective soon became clear: he was trying to board the Outlaw Star.  
  
Aisha took off after Harry, while Gene stared at them, at puzzled look on his face. He didn't have time to watch long as a gun barrel pressed against his ear.  
  
"Well, you're still dead," Ron muttered, preparing to fire.  
  
Gene was the first to notice Cachit hovering behind Ron's head. "Don't look now, but I think we've got you covered."  
  
Ron blinked in confusion, then risked a glance behind him. He started, then turned his gun on Cachit. "I knew you were hiding him somewhere, Starwind!"  
  
Cachit seemed to explode before his eyes and Ron was thrown backwards by the force, slamming into Gene. They both hit the ground hard as Cachit materialized a few seconds later.  
  
Gene quickly grabbed his gun and Ron's, while Ron slowly made it to his knees, shaking his head to clear the cobwebs.  
  
"Don't move, McDougall," Gene ordered, training both guns on him.  
  
Ron looked up, revealing the bizarre expression on his face. Gene couldn't figure it out at first, but he knew he'd seen that look somewhere before. Ron got up and started walking toward him.  
  
"I said don't move!" Gene shouted, starting to squeeze the triggers.  
  
But Ron just kept coming.  
  
Gene suddenly knew where he'd seen the look before. His face twisted in horror, but by then, it was too late.  
  
Ron leaped at him, knocking the guns away. He came in low with a shoulder block, his weight hitting Gene in the abdomen. Gene fell down, the wind knocked out of him. Before he could recover, Ron had pinned both his arms, and the bizarre look was still there, looking even more frightening up close.  
  
"Finally got you," Ron muttered, his eyes growing to little slits of anger. "No more running, Starwind." And then, he started to lower his face to Gene's.  
  
Gene wanted to scream, but considering what Ron was about to do, decided that wasn't the best course of action. Fortunately, he got his knee up and slammed it into Ron's privates.  
  
Ron's face twisted in pain, and he fell away, groaning quietly.  
  
Gene scrambled to his feet and recovered the guns, again training them on his opponent. He turned his head to glare at Cachit. "This is all your fault!" he shouted.  
  
Cachit didn't look the slightest bit guilty. In fact, he seemed to be pleased with his work.  
  
* * * * *  
  
After tying up Ron, Gene and Cachit returned to ship, only to be greeted by a strange sight. Aisha, Jim, and Melfina were all standing on the bridge, their mouths wide open in shock.  
  
"What's going on?" Gene asked. "What's everyone staring at?"  
  
Wordlessly, Jim raised his hand and pointed.  
  
Gene took one look and nearly lost his lunch.  
  
Harry was perched on top of Gene's chair, but that wasn't the bad thing. For starters, he was naked. And it only got worse from there. One couldn't really be sure at this point, but it appeared as if Harry was trying to have sex with the grappler console.  
  
A few seconds later, there was a light thump as Melfina passed out onto the floor.  
  
This was followed by several minutes of stunned silence, until Gilliam finally screamed, "SOMEBODY GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!!!"  
  
* * * * *  
  
"I think I've got it figured out," Jim said after dinner.  
  
"Got what figured out?" Gene asked, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.  
  
"I know how Cachit's survived this long. He makes people fall in love with people or things they wouldn't normally fall for."  
  
"In other words, he's a sick little pervert," Gene offered.   
  
"Look who's talking," Aisha muttered under her breath.  
  
Cachit, who was sitting in Aisha's lap, growled at Gene.  
  
Gene glared at them both. "Well, I never thought I'd say this, but we still don't know where Suzuka is."  
  
"Maybe we should ask Cachit," Jim suggested.  
  
"How about it, little guy?" Aisha asked. "Think you can bring Suzu back?"  
  
Suzuka instantly appeared in front of them, but something was wrong.  
  
"Is she...SMILING?!" Gene asked in disbelief.  
  
"I've got great news, everyone," she said.   
  
"Fred's gonna pay us double?" Gene guessed.  
  
"No, but it has to do with him." Suzuka's smile became even wider. "Fred and I are getting married!"  
  
Gene blinked a few times. "Why?" he said at last.  
  
"I'm pregnant!" she replied.  
  
Gene blinked again. Then he fell out of his chair, rolling on the floor with laughter.  
  
"So Fred's bi?" Aisha asked, turning to look at Jim.  
  
"Apparently," Jim replied with a shrug. "Or maybe he gave up being gay."  
  
Gene finally recovered, still chuckling quietly. "So...heh...you got knocked up...heh heh...by FRED?! BA HA HA!!!" He fell across the table, laughing so hard that tears formed in his eyes.  
  
"Wait," Jim said. "I thought he had to marry the strongest woman in the universe?"  
  
Suzuka blushed. "He does. He said that any woman that could do to him what I did had to be the strongest in the universe."  
  
Jim turned red, while Aisha stared at them all, obviously confused. Gene was still lying across the table, snickering to himself. Melfina was trying to figure out how Suzuka had gotten pregnant by a gay man. Cachit, of course, was grinning proudly.  
  
* * * * *  
  
The El Dorado cruised aimlessly through space, guided only by the blinking light marked "Auto Pilot."  
  
The McDougall Brothers, still tied up, were obviously in no condition to fly.  
  
Ron whimpered quietly. "It's not fair. I almost had him. And now...I've lost him all over again!" He hid his face in his hands and sobbed. "GENE, I LOVE YOU!"  
  
On the other side of him, Harry was in even worse shape. "They can't keep us apart, my love," he whispered, chewing thoughtfully on his bottom lip. "Soon, we'll be together again. And then no one will be able to spoil our happiness." The traced the curves of his lover on the blueprint he'd managed to steal. "Yes, we will be reunited, my darling Gilliam! I SWEAR IT!"  
  
The El Dorado continued on, drifting further and further into space.  
  
Continued in Part 3: Wrath of a Drunk Cupid  
  
If you thought Cachit's matchmaking was bad before, wait until you see him hopped up on Aisha's infamous Ctarl-Ctarl Stew! Plus, Jim finds that love doesn't always need guidance; sometimes it just needs...milk??? Also, wedding bells are ringing for Fred & Suzuka, but somebody's got a major objection!  



	4. Wrath of a Drunk Cupid

The Cupid Chronicles 4: Wrath of a Drunk Cupid  
  
Note: For some reason, I can't seem to recall/locate the individual names for the members of the Anten Seven, except for Lady Iraga and Leilong (of course they're the ones I don't need!). In other words, this is just gonna get WEIRD. Be prepared for a plot twist! (And don't ask me why the minister turns ghetto, either. I just thought it MIGHT be funny...)  
  
Summary: If you thought Cachit's matchmaking was bad before, wait until you see him hopped up on Aisha's infamous Ctarl-Ctarl Stew! Also, wedding bells are ringing for Fred & Suzuka, but somebody's got a major objection!  
  
  
Gene woke up with a frown on his face. He couldn't figure out why at first, but then he remembered. This was the day that Fred and Suzuka were getting married. But then, that only made him laugh. So what was causing the frown?  
  
"BREAKFAST IS READY!" a voice bellowed.  
  
Gene's eyes widened, and he instantly knew why he was frowning. That was Aisha's voice, and it sounded suspiciously close to the kitchen. That could only mean...  
  
"Oh, no," he muttered. "Ctarl-Ctarl Stew! I feel sick already..."  
  
* * * * *  
  
Jim poked at what appeared to be a fish head. At least, he hoped it was a fish head. Because if the head belonged to anything else, he was going to scream.  
  
"C'mon, Jimmy! Take a big bite!" Aisha said.  
  
"Are you SURE I won't get sick from eating this? I don't know if my stomach's tough enough."  
  
"Well, Cachit's eating it!"  
  
Jim looked over at Cachit, who was devouring his third helping, and frowned. "Aisha, he's got FIRE in his belly. Everything he eats just turns to ash anyway!"  
  
Aisha narrowed her eyes. "Jimmy, you should know that a delicate flower like myself does not like being unappreciated. And do you know what happens when I'm unappreciated?"  
  
"No?" Jim whispered, suddenly becoming very afraid.  
  
"People get dead." Aisha smiled brightly. "Now, are you going to eat, or are you going to get dead?"  
  
Jim stared at the bowl. "Well, I guess this is a nicer way to die," he thought, picking up a spoon.  
  
Gene walked into the kitchen just as Jim was about to taste the stew. His eyes widened in horror. "Jim! NOOOOO!!!" In a dramatic diving leap (with slow motion to make it even funnier!), Gene flew across the table, knocked the spoon from Jim's hand, and crashed to the floor.  
  
"HEY! YOU'RE WASTING VALUBLE STEW!" Aisha roared.  
  
Gene suddenly went into convulsions and gagged. "Oh, no! NOOOOO!!!"  
  
"Gene, what is it?" Jim asked, looking concerned.  
  
Gene turned over, revealing the spoon between his lips. "I SWALLOWED SOME! AAAAAAAHHH!!!"  
  
Aisha growled and started to advance him. "I'll rip you to shreds!"  
  
"Wait, Aisha!" Jim grabbed another spoon. "Look, I'm tasting, see?!" He hesitantly spooned up the fish head, closed his eyes, and opened his mouth.  
  
"Jim, NO!" Gene screamed. "NOOOOO!!!"  
  
Suzuka and Melfina walked in just as the fish head vanished into Jim's mouth. Suzuka turned a spectacular shade of green and turned away, while Melfina simply fainted.  
  
Jim swallowed noisily and burped. "Oh, man. I don't feel so good..."  
  
"JIMMY!" Aisha squealed, a huge smile on her face. She ran over and hugged him tightly. "You really did it!"  
  
"No!" he moaned. "Don't squeeze! Please, don't squeeze!"  
  
"TAKE COVER!" Gene shouted, pulling a pot over his head.  
  
Aisha blinked. "What are you yelling about now, Gene?" She turned, only to see that Jim's face was now purple. "Jim, what are you-"  
  
"REEEEEEEAAAARRRRRGGGGH!!!"  
  
"SWEET HEAVENS, NO!" Gilliam cried.  
  
"AAAAAAHHH!!! MY UNIFORM!" Aisha screamed.  
  
"OH, THE HUMANITY!" Gene wailed.  
  
Jim stumbled backwards, still clutching his mouth. He groaned and fell to the kitchen floor.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Fred was just placing a newly framed picture of Suzuka on his desk when a shadow fell over him.   
  
"I take it Starwind & Hawking accepted the offer?"  
  
Fred swallowed nervously. "Yes, sir."  
  
"Good. And how are they progressing?"  
  
"They called in and set up a meeting...today, actually."  
  
"Excellent." The shadowy figure paused upon noticing the picture on Fred's desk. "How did THAT get here?"  
  
Fred grinned weakly. "I really don't remember, sir..."  
  
The figure grabbed the picture. "You haven't the time for such foolishness!" A sword gleamed in the darkness, then cut Fred's desk in half. "You needn't concern yourself with Twilight Suzuka. I will deal with her...personally. Is that clear?"  
  
"Crystal, sir," Fred whispered as the shadowy figure began to fade away.  
  
"Good. I'll be watching you."  
  
Fred sighed heavily and hid his face in his hands. "No...I can't do this. I can't betray Gene and Jim...or her." He reached for the picture, only to realize that it was gone. "That's strange. Why would he take it with him...?"  
  
* * * * *  
  
Aisha was in a foul mood. Suzuka had just agreed to let her be the maid of honor. And then all her dreams of being the most beautiful and delicate flower at the wedding had been dashed by Gene.  
  
"You're not going ANYWHERE!" Gene had said. "You made Jim sick as a dog with your stew, so you're gonna stay here and look after him!"  
  
Melfina had tried to help. "Don't worry, Aisha! I'll be sure to get the whole wedding on tape for you!"  
  
Even Gilliam had been somewhat helpful, coming up with remedies to try on Jim. And, as he kept pointing out every few minutes, "Well, I didn't go the wedding, either. At least YOU got invited..."  
  
Aisha didn't know what upset her more: that she was missing Suzu's wedding, Gilliam's constant ranting about the poor treatment of advanced computers (something he hadn't dropped since what had been dubbed the "Harry Incident"), or the fact that Jim didn't seem to be improving at all.  
  
For some reason, Aisha felt very bad about making Jim sick. He'd only eaten the stew to please her (and to keep Gene from being skinned alive), and that made her feel even more guilty. But that wasn't the worst part. She realized that Jim was probably the best friend, human or otherwise, that she'd ever had. He was certainly the one she got along best with these days.  
  
"I don't get it, Cachit," she muttered sadly. "YOU ate my stew, and you're not sick."  
  
Cachit burped loudly and passed out beside her.  
  
"Oh, great. Not you, too!" Aisha shook him gently. "C'mon, Cachit! Wake up!" She was still shaking him when Jim shuffled past her, looking even worse than before. "JIM?! What are you doing out of bed?!"  
  
He glanced back at her. "Water," he muttered hoarsely.  
  
Aisha jumped in front of him. "NO! I'll get the water. YOU go back to bed!"  
  
Jim frowned. "But it's all the way back there..." he argued weakly.  
  
"Fine. Just sit on the couch and try to wake up Cachit. You know you shouldn't be moving around like this!"  
  
Jim sighed and plopped down onto the couch, poking Cachit a few times. "Maybe he got lucky and died." The thought of touching a dead dragon did little to make him feel better.  
  
Aisha soon came back with a huge glass of water. "I'm sorry for making you sick, Jimmy."  
  
Jim shook his head as he took the glass. "I know you didn't mean to."  
  
"But you're still sick," she pointed out, her ears drooping.  
  
"I can't think of anyone else I'd rather have taking care of me."  
  
"...Really?" Aisha asked.  
  
Jim snorted. "Come on, Aisha. Look who I have to choose from. Gene can't take care of himself when he's healthy, Suzuka's so in love with Fred that she'd just pour tea down my throat, and Melfina wouldn't know what to do since she's never gotten sick."  
  
"But I don't know what to do, either!" Aisha said.  
  
Jim shrugged. "Like you said, people get dead."  
  
"Don't talk like that!" Aisha grabbed him by the shoulders. "You're too important, Jimmy!"  
  
"To Gene? Yeah, I'm glad someone noticed. He'd be dead if it weren't for me."  
  
Aisha frowned slightly. "Actually, I meant you're too important...to me."  
  
Jim blinked and looked up. "Huh? What do you mean?"  
  
She sighed and sat down next to him. "You're the best friend I've ever had, Jimmy. I don't want anything to happen to you...and I don't wanna be the one that kills you, either."  
  
"Aisha, that was a joke."  
  
"I know, but I must have made you really sick! I mean, no one in their right mind would dare to vomit on a Ctarl-Ctarl, and especially not ME!"  
  
"You think I did that on purpose?" Jim asked. "I TOLD you not to squeeze! Don't you remember how freakishly strong you are compared to humans?!"  
  
"I couldn't help it! I was so touched that you actually ate volatile chemicals..."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"...just for me!"  
  
Before Jim could get really angry, Aisha suddenly hugged him. He blinked several times. "Um...what's this for?"  
  
"Shut up and hug back before you get dead."  
  
Jim quickly obeyed. "Now why couldn't you hug like this the first time?"  
  
"I told you, I got excited. You know how I get when I'm like that."  
  
"Idiotic and irrational?"  
  
Aisha's eyes narrowed, and she pulled back. "Did you just call me stupid?!"  
  
"No, I said you were idiotic and-"  
  
Aisha waved a claw under his nose.  
  
"Don't get dead?" he guessed.  
  
"Uh huh," she replied, nodding. "You're lucky I like you, you little booger."  
  
Jim smiled a bit. "So I guess I'm only as cute as a sick Ctarl-Ctarl now, huh?"  
  
"Not really. Your face is still kinda purple..."  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Suzuka, why do I have to give you away? Isn't your father supposed to do it?" Gene whispered as they started down the aisle.  
  
Suzuka narrowed her eyes. Leave it to Gene Starwind to strike up a conversation during the wedding march. "He can't. He's dead."  
  
"Well, what about a brother?"  
  
"They're dead, too."  
  
"What about-"  
  
"They're ALL dead!" Suzuka hissed. "My entire family was murdered, and I'd rather not think about it right now!"  
  
"Right. Sorry."  
  
She sighed. "Sometimes I wish I'd just let you see me naked and killed you that first night."  
  
"Yeah, but you were too busy covering yourself up," he replied with a grin. "At least I would've died with a smile on my face."  
  
Suzuka blushed. "Gene, please! I'm trying to get married here."  
  
"To a gay billionaire."  
  
"FORMERLY gay billionaire," she hissed.  
  
"That's what YOU say. I don't think you can get rid of tendencies like that."  
  
"Tendencies?!" Suzuka whispered fiercely. "Gene, if you-"  
  
"Shhh! Can't you see we're in the middle of a wedding?!"  
  
Suzuka's face turned red, and she had a hard time resisting the urge to kill him right there in the aisle.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Fred smiled as Suzuka came closer. She looked so beautiful when she was angry, and no one made her angrier than Gene. He knew it had been a good decision to let Gene give her away. It was too bad Jim couldn't make it, though. Fred imagined he'd look cute in a tux.  
  
Finally, Gene gave Suzuka away, and Fred took her hands in his own.  
  
The minister started babbling about something, and soon reached that tension-filled line. "If any man has a reason why these two should not be joined, let him speak now, or forever hold his peace."  
  
Suzuka automatically looked at Gene, who was starting to open his mouth. He caught her looking and quickly shut it.  
  
"I object," said a voice from the rear.  
  
Fred's head snapped up, and his eyes widened in horror. "Oh, no. Not him! Not now!"  
  
The masked man quickly walked up the aisle. "I told you to leave Suzuka to me, Fred, and I meant it. Step away from her. NOW."  
  
"Hey, it's that guy from the Anten Seven!" Gene said. "What was his name again?"  
  
The man ripped off his mask, revealing a face that looked like Suzuka's, only masculine. "My name is Hi-"  
  
"Mask Man!" Gene said, snapping his fingers. "That's what it was!"  
  
The man's face turned red. "FOOL! You dare to insult one of the Anten Seven?!"  
  
"Actually, it's more like Anten Four now," Gene corrected him. "See, I killed Leilong, Aisha beat up Lady Iraga pretty bad, and then I took out the freaky pink chick with one of those soul-sucking bullets..."  
  
"SHUT UP!" the man shouted. "You will all die NOW!" He paused and grinned at Suzuka. "Except you, my dear. You will be my bride."  
  
"In your dreams and my nightmares!" Suzuka spat.  
  
"No, this is quite real. Watch and learn." He pulled a tiny whistle out of his pocket and blew. No sound was heard.  
  
"Must be a dog whistle," Gene said.  
  
"No, fool!" The man cackled wildly. "It's the mating call of the blue-backed browbeater!"  
  
"The WHAT?!" Gene asked.  
  
Cachit suddenly appeared and landed on the man's shoulder, looking quite sick.  
  
"That," the man replied. "Cachit, I order you to make Suzuka fall madly in love with me!"  
  
Cachit burped and flew at Suzuka, exploding in her face. She was knocked back into Fred, who crashed into the minister.  
  
"HA! It is done! Twilight Suzuka's heart finally belongs to me!"  
  
"This is all very coincidental," Gene muttered. "You suspecting that Cachit would be in the area, and knowing about his powers."  
  
"FOOL! Did you really think that?! I'm the one who found out where the creature lived, I'm the one that forced Fred to offer you the job, and I'm the one that'll be making Suzuka walk funny for the rest of her life! HA HA HA!"  
  
Gene frowned. "You mean...we're not getting PAID?!"  
  
"Oh, you'll get paid," he promised. "IN FULL!" The man whipped out his sword. "Now, I will strike you down and avenge my comrades! Prepare to meet your doom, Gene Starwind!"  
  
"No, you can meet it first! I insist!" Gene whipped out his gun and loaded some Castor shells into it.  
  
Suzuka finally got to her feet and blushed. "He's so daring!" she giggled.  
  
"Yes! The magic is already working!" the man cackled. "And now, Starwind...you die!" He raised a hand and began to chant. "Paguwa Sanfa, Paguwa Sanfa, Paguwa Sanfa, PAGUWA SANFAAAAA!!!" He screamed and charged, lashing out with his sword.  
  
Gene charged as well, firing once and cursing as the shot bounced off an invisible shield and took out the wall. He tried to avoid the sword, but it caught him in the ribs. His side seemed like it was on fire as he fell.  
  
Suzuka giggled again. "So brave!"  
  
The man turned and raised his sword. "Goodbye...Outlaw."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOO!!!" Fred suddenly leaped and tackled the man around the waist. "Stop! You can't hurt Gene! I won't let you!"  
  
Gene quickly loaded a special Castor (a soul-sucker, as he liked to call it) and started to fire, then thought better of it. He tossed the gun to the minister. "SHOOT HIM!"  
  
The minister caught the gun and frowned. "But I can't! I'm a man of the cloth, and we do not-"  
  
"He's trying to get married for FREE!" Gene shouted, pointing at the man.  
  
"WHAT?!" the minister bellowed. "But Luo's loaded! I was promised SIX figures!" He turned the gun on the man and fired.  
  
BLAM!  
  
Fred dove aside, and the Castor slammed into the man's chest. He screamed and was instantly sucked up. The backlash whipped out and struck the minister, who fainted from the shock.  
  
"YES!" Gene shouted, pumping his fist. "Four down, Anten Three to go!"  
  
Suzuka giggled and ran up to him. "Oh, Gene! That was so cool!" She threw her arms around his neck.  
  
Gene blinked. "Um...aren't you supposed to be in love with Mask Man?"  
  
Cachit burped loudly.  
  
"That explains it. I bet HE had Aisha's stew, too."  
  
"HEY! GENE'S MINE!" Fred jumped up and threw his arms around Gene as well.  
  
"Dammit, Fred! I told you never in public! I have an image to keep up!"  
  
"So...is ANYONE getting married today?" the minister asked.  
  
"Nope," Gene replied.  
  
"WHAT?!" he shrieked, grabbing the gun again. "Either somebody's getting married, or I'm gonna have to bust a cap in somebody's soul! I'm not leaving until some fool gets hitched and I get PAID, DAMMIT!"  
  
"Wanna tie the knot, Gene?" Fred asked with a smirk.  
  
"No! He's marrying me!" Suzuka whined.  
  
Gene thought for a moment. "No way! I know who I wanna marry." He shoved Fred and Suzuka away, then turned to the maid of honor. "How 'bout it, Mel?"  
  
"ME?!" Melfina squeaked. "B-But..."  
  
Gene pressed a finger to her lips. "Just say yes and I'll take you out for all the ice cream you can eat later," he muttered.  
  
Her face lit up. "Okay!"  
  
"Great!" Gene grabbed her and dragged her over to the minister.  
  
Fred crossed his arms over his chest and sulked. "I can't believe I turned straight for nothing!"  
  
"Fred!" a voice called.  
  
He froze and slowly turned around. "Oh, no. NO!"  
  
Reiko came running up the aisle. "Oh, Fred! I'll marry you!"  
  
"No! NOOOOO!" Fred looked around desperately, then pointed at Reiko. "She's trying to get married for free!"  
  
"WHAT?!" the minister screamed. "Not in *THIS* CHU'CH!" (that's ebonic for "church"...I think) He turned the gun sideways in true ghetto fashion and fired.  
  
BLAM!  
  
Reiko screamed as she was sucked up, and the minister got hit with backlash. Only this time, he seemed to like it. "AW, YEAH! WHO ELSE WANT SOME?!"  
  
Gene blinked. "Uh...can I get married?"  
  
"Huh? Oh yeah, fa shoa, fool." (That's supposed to mean " for sure"...) The minister cleared his throat and looked at Melfina. "You like him?"  
  
Melfina blinked and blushed. "Yes..."  
  
He looked at Gene. "You like her?"  
  
Gene grinned. "Sure, if it keeps me from marrying those two."  
  
"Then it's ALL good! Oh, you can tongue her now."  
  
Melfina's eyes widened. "What?!"  
  
"You heard me, woman! Swap some spit!"  
  
Before Melfina could protest, Gene tilted her head upward and...well, you know.  
  
The minister smiled. "Women and G's, I present to you Mr. & Mrs....uh...what's yo name, anyway, fool?"  
  
Gene glared at him. "Gene Starwind."  
  
"Right, right! MR. AND MRS. GENE BREAK WIND!"  
  
"WHAT?! I SAID STARWIND!"  
  
The minister crossed his arms over his chest. "Well, until I get paid, you look like crap to me, so it's BREAK WIND, sucka!"  
  
Gene frowned and started to speak, but Melfina grabbed his arm. "You promised me ice cream!"  
  
Gene sighed. "Yeah, yeah. I just wish we'd gotten paid so I could KEEP that promise..."  
  
"Well, if it wasn't for your gun, I'd be getting married to Reiko," Fred said. "I guess I can pay you seventy thousand wong for that. However, since I won't be marrying Suzuka, you owe me ninety trillion more for emotional damages and the wasted wedding."  
  
"WHAT?! WHY?!"  
  
Fred shrugged. "Well, since it WAS against my will and all, technically, she raped me."  
  
Gene sputtered. "But you LIKED it!"  
  
"So? I'm not marrying her if she's in love with you."  
  
Gene growled in frustration, then turned and pointed an accusing finger at Cachit. "This is all YOUR fault!"  
  
"Gene!" Melfina cuddled Cachit in her arms. "He's just a baby!"  
  
"He's a dirty little dragon, that's what he is! Why do they call him a browbeater, anyway?"  
  
Cachit flew up and headbutted Gene right between his eyebrows.  
  
Gene stumbled back. "Oh, yeah..."  
  
Melfina took his arm. "Can we get some ice cream now?"  
  
Gene looked at her dazedly. "Mice scream? Sure, Melbrina. All the mice scream you can meet..."  
  
* * * * *  
  
Jim sighed and looked at the clock. "Well, it's almost midnight. You think they'll be back soon?"  
  
Aisha yawned. "I guess. You hungry?"  
  
"Not really. What about you?"  
  
Aisha thought for a moment. "Well, I guess I could go for something sweet."  
  
"I'll get it!" Jim jumped up and ran into the kitchen.  
  
"You know, your face isn't purple anymore!" she called.  
  
"I feel better, too. I guess I just needed some rest!"  
  
"Yeah, guess so." Aisha yawned again. "You ever find Cachit?"  
  
"Nope." Jim returned with a bowl. "Maybe he went to the wedding after all. Here, try this. It's not Ctarl-Ctarl Stew, but cats on Sentinel III seem to like it."  
  
Aisha accepted the bowl and took a sip. "Mmm! What is this? It's great!"  
  
Jim shrugged. "Just milk, sugar, vanilla, and some other stuff."  
  
Aisha gulped down the rest of the bowl. "Yum! I didn't know you could cook, Jimmy."  
  
"Well, I can't. That's just mixing stuff in a bowl and heating it up."  
  
"But it tastes good, and that's what counts." She leaned over licked his cheek without thinking.  
  
Jim blinked. "Um...what was THAT for?"  
  
Aisha blinked. "W-What?" she stammered.  
  
"You licked me! That's like a kiss for a cat!"  
  
Aisha blushed and shook her head. "I didn't!"  
  
"You did! How else did my cheek get wet?"  
  
"It...must have been this stuff! Yeah! You put something in here to get me drunk!"  
  
Jim rolled his eyes. "Aisha, nobody gets drunk on milk and sugar. Just admit that you kissed me."  
  
"But I didn't!"  
  
"Admit it or I'll never make it for you again."  
  
Aisha's eyes widened in horror, and she lowered her head. "Okay, maybe I did..."  
  
"Why?" he asked.  
  
"I told you before, Jimmy. I like you."  
  
"Yeah, but you didn't lick me then."  
  
Aisha blushed again. "I don't know. It just...felt right."  
  
"Well, it was kinda nice when you hugged me before," Jim admitted slowly.  
  
"And I liked it when you played with my hair the other night."  
  
"And I like you, too."  
  
Aisha started. "You...you do?!"  
  
"Yeah. You got a problem with that?"  
  
Aisha smiled. "No..." She blushed again. "Jimmy...what's kissing like?"  
  
Jim grinned. "It's nice."  
  
"Do you think...maybe sometime...we could try it?"  
  
"I don't see why not."  
  
"Well...what about...right now?"  
  
Jim shook his head. "Well, Gilliam might be watching, and...why are you...looking at me like that?"  
  
Aisha lips drew back from her teeth in a feral smile. "Time to get dead, Jimmy."  
  
"Wait! Stop!"  
  
Aisha growled and pounced on him, pinning him to the couch with her weight. "Kiss me or get dead!" she declared.  
  
"Okay, okay! Just put the claws away first!"  
  
"Sorry." Aisha smiled at him playfully. "So...what how do we do it?"  
  
Jim blushed at the expression. "Well...first you have to close your eyes."  
  
Aisha looked suspicious. "Why?"  
  
He shrugged. "It's rude to look, I guess."  
  
"It's my first time. I can be rude."  
  
Jim blushed again. "Oh. In that case, just lean forward and...um...try not to bite my lip in half."  
  
Aisha grinned and leaned forward.  
  
Just then, Gene walked in, a very cheerful Melfina at his side. Suzuka followed, looking understandably less happy. Cachit brought up the rear, looking fairly pleased to see Jim and Aisha together.  
  
Gene froze as he spotted Jim and Aisha kissing. "GOOD LORD! CACHIT GOT YOU GUYS, TOO?!"  
  
Aisha jumped at the sound of his voice.  
  
"AH! MY LIP!" Jim shouted.  
  
"Sorry, sorry! He scared me!"  
  
While Jim ran to the bathroom, Gene stared accusingly at Aisha. "Haven't you done enough to the boy?! I told you to watch him, not eat him!"  
  
Aisha glared at him, then sighed dreamily. "I wish I could..."  
  
Gene got a horrified look on his face. "You...ANIMAL!"  
  
"WHAT?! I TOLD YOU NEVER TO CALL ME THAT AGAIN!"  
  
Melfina grabbed Gene's arm. "I don't think she meant it literally, Gene."  
  
"Huh? Oh, right." Gene glared at Aisha again. "But it's still wrong!"  
  
"It is NOT! I LOVE JIMMY!" Aisha froze and blinked several times.  
  
Jim came running out of the bathroom. "What did you just say?"  
  
Aisha looked at him. "I...I said...that I love you."  
  
Jim dropped the tissue he was using to wipe away the blood. "Aisha..."  
  
Gene glared at Cachit, while Melfina smiled. Suzuka just pouted, since Gene wasn't interested in her.  
  
Jim stared at Aisha for a long moment. "Why didn't you tell me before?"  
  
"Because I didn't know for sure until tonight," she replied.  
  
"This is definitely Cachit's work," Gene muttered.  
  
"I think it's sweet," Melfina said.  
  
Jim slowly took Aisha's paw. "So...what do we do now?"  
  
"I don't know," she whispered.  
  
"You can stop trying to make me hurl," Gene said. "There's already been one too many of those messes today."  
  
Jim glared at him. "C'mon, Aisha. Let's go talk about this...in *your* room."  
  
"JIM! NOOOOOO!" Gene cried as they went upstairs.  
  
"Will you come to my room, Gene?" Melfina asked shyly.  
  
"I don't think so, Mel. I'm not sure I won't still throw up."  
  
Melfina whispered something in his ear, and Gene's eyes widened. "Feeling better already!" He grabbed her arm and took off towards her room.  
  
Suzuka sighed and flopped down on the couch. "This isn't fair! Gene was supposed to be mine!" she whined. Then she blinked and shook her head. "Wait. What am I saying?!"  
  
Cachit curled up next to her on the couch and promptly began to snore.  
  
Suzuka sighed again. "Well, at least I was in love for a few days..."  
  
Concluded in Part 5: Kittens, Babies, and Androids! (So what if it IS a rip-off of "Cats, Girls, and Spaceships"? What are YOU gonna do about it?!)  
  
A look into the future, where we'll find:  
Kittens, kittens, and more kittens! (guess who they belong to!)  
Suzuka's got a man! (guess who it is!)  
Gene's got a son! (guess who his mother is!)  
Fred finally gets PAID! (guess who pays him!)  
Last but not least, a VERY happy ending! (guess who wrote it!)  



	5. Kittens, Babies, and Androids!

The Cupid Chronicles 5: Kittens, Babies, and Androids!

Note: First, I don't wanna hear anything about how humans and Ctarl-Ctarl can't have offspring. I don't wanna hear anything about how humans and bio-androids can't have children. It's my story, and if I say I can get away with, then I can, dangit! Besides, I did promise last time. On with the story...

Summary: I don't really have one. Guess you'll have to read and find out. insert evil laughter of your choice here Anyway, have fun. I know I did. 

"How is she?"

The guard looked troubled. "Well, sir...she gave us some difficulty."

"Doesn't she always?"

"Well, yes, but..." He sighed. "Ten nurses were injured."

"That's better than the usual thirty-five, isn't it?"

"I suppose, but I'm not sure if you should go in yet. She's still...uh...screaming."

"Oh, don't worry about that." He stepped around the guard and pushed the door open.

"YOU'RE ALL DEAD IF YOU TOUCH THEM AGAIN!" Aisha screamed.

Jim winked at the guard. "See? She's calm now, compared to the last time."

"If you say so, sir."

Jim closed the door behind him and cleared his throat.

Aisha instantly stopped screaming when she spotted him. "Jimmy!" she purred happily, holding her arms out to him.

Jim walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, wrapping his arms around her. "How do you feel?"

Aisha buried her face in his jacket and pouted. "Fine, but those evil nurses won't let me see them!"

Jim chuckled and gently stroked her hair. "Aisha, you know they have to be checked out first."

She pulled back and looked at him. "But I could do that!"

"Uh...you're not a doctor."

"They're MINE! I'd know if something was wrong with them!" she cried, her voice heading for another scream.

Jim didn't dare offer a word of protest. "Did it hurt much?"

"I can take pain," she replied confidently.

"Sure. Then why did you take out the nurses again?"

"They were poking me!"

"Aisha, they were only trying to calm you down."

"Poking makes me angry, not calm!"

Jim sighed. "Never mind. Just remember that if you injure all the nurses, there won't be anyone to help the next time you go into labor."

"Next time?" Her eyes narrowed.

"I thought you could take a little pain?"

"I can. But I only want six."

"Aisha, we have seven."

"Which is EXACTLY why I want to stop now."

Before Jim could say anything else, he sensed someone behind him.

"Um...excuse me...Miss Aisha?"

"What?!" Aisha snarled.

The nurse gasped and drew back a bit. "Well...the chil-um, babi-er...THEY'RE ready for you now!"

"HAND THEM OVER RIGHT NOW!" Aisha bellowed.

Jim pushed Aisha back down onto the bed as two more nurses (both looking slightly roughed-up) carried in two tiny bundles. They took one look at Aisha, and both tried to hand their bundles to Jim.

Aisha snarled again. "YOU!" she said, pointing at one of them. "GET OVER HERE!"

The nurse nearly fainted right there, but cautiously walked over to Aisha's side of the bed and surrendered the bundle.

Aisha grabbed for it as if it were a fish and held it close to herself, sending both nurses running out of the room with a hiss.

"That was mean, Aisha," Jim said, carefully handing her the other bundle.

"They're MINE!" she insisted. "Those evil people shouldn't have taken them in the first place!"

"Yours? I think I had something to do with it, too!"

"I did all the hard stuff, and they're MINE!" She glared at him. "Don't get dead, Jimmy!"

Jim only shook his head, then smiled. "Aisha, I think someone's looking at you."

Aisha looked down to see two pairs of little blue eyes staring up at her. "They're beautiful," she whispered.

"I'd just like to point out that your eyes aren't blue."

"Oh, fine! You can have one...for NOW." Aisha reluctantly gave up one bundle, then cuddled the other protectively. 

Jim played with his bundle for a few minutes, then frowned. "Uh...Aisha?"

"What?"

"I don't want to alarm you or anything, but...I think mine's broken."

"What are you talking about, Jimmy?" 

"It stopped moving. I mean, I can see it breathing and everything, but...it's just sitting there."

"Well, poke it or something!"

"I did. It just looks at me."

"Oh. Then don't poke it; you're probably making it mad."

"It doesn't LOOK mad. It just looks...vacant."

"Here, let's switch." Aisha took the other bundle. "Well, I don't know. Maybe he's shy."

"How do you know it's a he?"

"A mother ALWAYS knows."

Jim shrugged, poked his new bundle, and was rewarded with a tiny giggle. "See? This one works okay."

"Jimmy, they're not computers. They don't work, they LIVE."

"You know what I mean."

Aisha frowned. "Maybe he needs something."

"Wouldn't he be crying if he did?"

"Well, maybe he doesn't know how to do that yet."

Jim grinned. "Then let's hope he doesn't find out, either."

* * * * *

"Hey, Mel! You seen my black shirt?!"

Melfina sighed. "In the closet, Gene!"

"Thanks!" There was a slight pause. "I don't see it!"

"Did you try turning on the closet light?"

There was a grunt, followed by another pause. "Got it!"

Melfina shook her head and turned back to the pot...only to find a small hand reaching into with a spoon. "Jamie, NO! Get away from there!" She snatched the small boy away from the pot.

"Wanna taste!" the child whined, struggling in her arms.

"It's too hot, Jamie," Melfina insisted, trying to get a decent grip on him. "You have to wait."

"No! Don't wanna wait! Wanna taste now!"

"Honey, give Mommy a break. She's really tired, and she has to finish cooking before everyone gets here. Okay?"

"Wanna taste!" Jamie repeated.

Melfina sighed. "Gene!"

"Yeah?!"

"It's story time again!"

"What, now?!"

"Yes!"

Soon, Gene walked into the kitchen, looking somewhat annoyed. "Which story?"

"The one about the Anten Seven."

"Oh, THAT one," Gene said, grinning evilly. "C'mon, champ." He grabbed Jamie and tucked him under one arm. "Did I ever tell you how we BARELY escaped with our lives from those guys?"

"Yeah. You told it last week."

"But did I tell you about the time they captured Mommy?"

Jamie's eyes widened. "Really?"

"Yeah! And they had Uncle Jim tied up in the dungeon!"

"What else?!" Jamie cried.

Gene looked horrified. "They fried all of Gilliam's circuits, and then they made Suzuka use...a REAL sword!!!"

"And then what?!" Jamie asked.

"And then...they took your dear old Dad...and made him do the unthinkable!"

"What?!" Jamie nearly screamed. "WHAT?!"

"THEY MADE ME EAT AISHA'S COOKING!"

"AAAAAAAHHH!!!" they both screamed.

Melfina giggled and shook her head. "You two are terrible."

Gene chuckled and set Jamie down on the couch. "Anyway, you have to be good for the rest of the week, kid. Because you know what happens if you don't?"

"What?" Jamie asked.

Gene grinned evilly. "Well, Aunt Aisha's coming to town, so you can die one of two ways. Either she can make you eat Ctarl-Ctarl Stew..."

"EW!"

"Or...SHE'S GONNA EAT YOU!"

"AAAAAAAHHH!" Jamie leaped off the couch and ran to his room, slamming the door behind him.

Gene leaned back on the couch. "Works every time."

"Don't you think we should at least tell Aisha one of these days?" Melfina asked.

"Nope," Gene replied. "Because it's always a riot to see her try and hug him after he's heard one of my stories. What time are they getting here?"

"Jim called and said they'd be late. Aisha had the twins early."

"Really? That's SEVEN of the little monsters now. I wonder how he can stand it."

"I wonder how WE'RE going to stand it. Remember what they did to the furniture?"

"Yeah. Everything they can reach is a scratching post to them. Heck, they even got ME a couple of times." Gene shuddered. "I can just SEE those beady little eyes right now..."

"Sounds like material for another one of your stories."

Gene grinned. "Oh, yeah. Hey, JAMIE!"

* * * * *

"Aisha, I think you can stop doing sit-ups now."

"Jimmy, I REFUSE to be fat anywhere in the vicinity of Gene Starwind."

The little kitten holding Aisha's feet looked tired just from watching. "Three thousand, Mom."

"Huh? Oh, thanks, Tiger." Aisha went back to work.

Jim sighed and turned back to the console. "Well, we should reach Sentinel III in just over an hour."

"What?! Why didn't you tell me?! Tiger, we're going double-time!"

Jim sighed again. "I shouldn't have said anything..."

* * * * *

"I got it!" Gene shouted as the doorbell rang. He smoothed out his hair and opened the door. "Uh...hello?"

"Down here!"

Gene looked down to see a small girl. "Uh...do I know you?"

"Hiya, Mr. Starwind! Do you know who I am?"

"No..." Gene blinked a few times. "Look, if you're selling cookies, we don't want any." He closed the door and turned away.

"HIIIIIIIII-YA!"

The door was blown off its hinges and slammed into Gene, knocking him to the floor.

Melfina came running into the front hall. "I forgot to tell you that Suzuka was coming, Gene! Is she here already?"

"No, but the shorter version of her is," Gene moaned from the floor.

Melfina looked up to see a small girl with a very large sword standing on top of the door, and Gene. "Oh, she's adorable!"

"Easy to say when you're not under the door," Gene groaned.

The girl leaned down and pulled the door off him. "Sorry 'bout that, Mr. Starwind, but Mommy said you deserved it."

"Just where are your parents, kid?" Gene asked, slowly getting up.

"Right here," Suzuka said as she walked in, followed by...

Gene's eyes bulged. "LEILONG?!"

"What?" Leilong asked, looking puzzled.

"YOU...AND SUZUKA?!"

"What?" Suzuka asked, starting to get annoyed.

Gene looked from Suzuka to Leilong, and then at the girl that had just flattened him. "Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all."

Melfina turned to the rear of the house. "Jamie, come and see Auntie Suzuka!"

Jamie came running out of his room and hugged Suzuka's leg. "Auntie S! You gotta help me!" he cried, looking desperate.

"What's wrong, Jamie?" Suzuka asked, picking him up.

"AISHA'S GONNA EAT ME!" he screamed.

Suzuka looked at Gene. "This is your work, no doubt."

"How could you tell?" Gene asked.

"Only YOU would traumatize your own child."

"Hey, it's no different from what my father told me about the boogeyman when I was growing up."

"BOOGEYMAN?!" Jamie wailed.

Leilong just looked at them all. "I can see this night is going to be very interesting..." But under his breath, he muttered, "What in the world have I married into...?"

* * * * *

"Be honest, Jimmy. Do I look fat to you?" Aisha asked.

Jim just looked at her. "There's no way for me to answer that safely."

"I'm FAT?!"

"NO, Aisha. But even if I said that, you wouldn't believe me. So why do you even bother to ask me in the first place?"

"You're avoiding the question, Jimmy."

"Yes. Yes, I am."

Aisha sighed. "Well, Melfina will tell me the truth."

"But by then, Gene will have already seen you."

"I know. Which is why I plan to bash his head in while you hold the twins."

Jim smirked. "I'm glad you're holding them now, then."

"You'd better be."

"Just try not to kill him," Jim murmured, knocking on the door.

The door creaked, then fell away in pieces.

Jim looked at Aisha.

"I didn't do it!" she swore. "I'm holding the twins, remember?"

"Sure." Jim looked into the hall. "Uh...Mel? Gene? You guys here?"

Melfina appeared a few seconds later. "Sorry about that, guys. We were busy entertaining Suzkua and her...family."

"Suzuka got married?" Jim asked in disbelief.

"Yes. We were surprised, too." Melfina glanced down at the little army crowded around Aisha's legs. "They're getting so big, Aisha!"

"Hi, Auntie Mel!" five voices greeted her.

"Can we eat yet?" Tiger asked.

Melfina smiled. "Sure, come on in! Dinner's just about ready."

Five brown blurs instantly flew past her.

Aisha sighed. "Mel, you've got to stop being so nice to my kittens. They'll take advantage of you every time."

"AH! GET 'EM OFF ME!" Gene screamed from inside the house.

"Looks like they found their favorite chew toy," Jim chuckled. "I guess we'd better do something."

"I agree." Aisha grinned wickedly. "Got a camera handy, Mel?"

* * * * *

"You scared?" Jamie whispered, hugging the pillow tightly.

Nina shook her head. "Nope. They're just baby cats."

Aisha's kittens were all over the place. Two were clawing Gene, two were ripping up the couch, and a very brave one was even trying to tear up Leliong's boot.

"But they could EAT us!" Jamie cried, looking nervous.

"Ctarl-Ctarl don't eat people," Nina replied. "At least, I've never seen them do it. Besides, I have a big sword. They wouldn't mess with me."

"But what about ME?!"

"Just stay with me and they'll leave you alone," she promised.

"But what about when you leave? What THEN?"

Nina shrugged. "Guess you're on your own."

Jamie looked worried. "Can I borrow your sword?"

"Nope. Sorry."

"How about a gun?"

"Don't have one."

"A club?"

"No."

"...a rock?"

Nina grinned. "I don't think that would help much."

"But I need something!"

"Did you try a ball of string?"

* * * * *

Tiger yawned, showing several of his sharp teeth. He was bored. The big man's boot wasn't tearing like it should have. It was probably made of some special material just to keep kittens like himself from having fun.

"Pssst! Tiger!"

He glanced up to see Wildcat waving him over. I must be really bored if I care what she wants, he thought to himself. Still, he scrambled over to her. 

"Puma says there's some more chili in the kitchen!" she said. "Him and Panther started without us! C'mon!"

The two kittens raced into the kitchen, where their younger brothers were already digging pawfuls of chili out of the large pot. Tiger and Wildcat pushed through, grabbing some for themselves. It wasn't long before Cheetah joined them, completing the group.

"Auntie Mel makes everything taste good!" Puma declared as he scraped the bottom of the pot.

"No kidding," Panther said. "But she NEVER makes enough!"

"And she always leaves stuff where we can get it," Cheetah added with his mouth full. "She's really nice, huh?"

"Or really stupid," Tiger and Wildcat replied together, grinning at each other.

"As long as she's got dessert stashed somewhere, who cares?" Puma asked.

The others nodded in agreement and began searching the kitchen for their next course.

* * * * *

"AAAAHHH! AISHA, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?!" Gene screamed.

"Feeding my kittens," Aisha replied.

"NO! PUT THAT THING BACK AND LOCK IT UP FOREVER!"

Aisha rolled her eyes. "Jimmy, please explain to Gene that breastfeeding is perfectly natural…even for humans."

"That is true, Gene," Melfina pointed out. "It's what I did with Jamie."

"That's different," Gene muttered. "You're MINE. I can look at you."

"So if you can't look at Aisha since she's mine, why ARE you looking?" Jim asked.

"Maybe he has a suppressed desire for a certain Ctarl-Ctarl," Suzuka suggested.

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that!" Gene and Aisha snapped at once.

"Now they're getting psychic on us," Leilong added. "It's got to be fate."

"SHUT UP!" Gene and Aisha shouted.

"It's not MY fault you're secretly attracted to each other," he muttered.

Gene started to get up, but Melfina pulled him back down.

"At least MY kid doesn't have destructive tendencies!" Gene shouted.

"That's because your kid is a wimp," Leilong pointed out. "His only tendencies are to whine, scream, and cry."

"Hey, wait a minute," Melfina interrupted, looking upset.

"He has a point," Suzuka said. "Jamie could use some lessons in self-defense."

"Too bad he isn't a Ctarl-Ctarl," Aisha said. "Then it would come naturally."

"So would shedding and a bad attitude," Gene muttered under his breath.

"HEY!" Jim shouted. "I heard that!"

"Good. And I'm sure Aisha did with those ears of hers, too."

"At least MY ears are good for something!" Aisha" screamed. "Yours don't even let AIR get to your poor excuse for a brain!"

"That's IT!" Gene jumped off the couch. "I want all of you and your little monsters OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

"I'll fight you for the right to stay," Leilong said.

"OUT!"

"Chicken?"

"WHAT?!"

"You heard me." 

Gene turned red. "Fine! But when I win, you're paying for my door, and Jim's paying for my couch, by back, and anything ELSE those animals tore up!"

Aisha frowned. "Jim, hold the twins. I'm going to fight, too."

"What?" Jim asked. "Aisha, you can't!"

"I can and will. That's the last time he talks about MY kittens that way."

"Hey, Dad!" Jamie said as he came running in. "Look what we found in the basement!"

"Not now, champ," Gene said. "Daddy's about to fight to the death…again."

"But lookit! It's a dragon!"

Gene's head snapped up. "Oh no. NO!"

"Weeeeeeee!" Nina giggled as she rode a very familiar blue-backed browbeater into the room.

"YOU!" Gene shouted. "All those monsters are YOUR fault, Cachit!"

"Gene, Aisha and I liked each other before we met Cachit," Jim said. "Why can't you accept that?"

"Okay, MAYBE. But what about Suzuka and…and…LEILONG?!"

"Actually, Cachit vanished before I met Leilong," Suzuka replied.

"And I've never seen him before," Leilong added.

"So everyone got together without Cachit?" Melfina asked. "That's…odd."

"But it does mean Gene can't blame him anymore," Jim said.

"Well, I'm still fighting Aisha and Leilong to the death," Gene stated.

"No, you aren't," Melfina said. "They're our friends, and I'm sick of cleaning up after your fights. Do you know how hard it is to get bloodstains out of the carpet?"

"Just wait until those ani…uh…kittens have had too much drink. Then you'll be trying to get something worse than blood out of the carpet…"

* * * * *

"Okay. So you guys don't eat humans?" Jamie asked slowly.

"Nope," Tiger replied. "They taste funny."

Jamie's face lost some of its color, but he nodded.

"Besides, you're half android," Wildcat pointed out. "You might taste like metal or something."

"I do not!"

"Have YOU ever tasted yourself?" Puma asked.

"Well…no."

"Then you don't know."

"Well…at least I don't taste like fur!"

Tiger snorted. "Don't be stupid. No one's ever eaten a Ctarl-Ctarl. You don't know what we taste like, and you never will."

"I bet you taste like Ctarl-Ctarl Stew," Nina replied. "Maybe that's how it got the name."

"You're lying," Cheetah said, though he looked nervous.

"Well, you SAY nobody's eaten a Ctarl-Ctarl, but have you ever seen a dead one?"

"No," Panther muttered.

"Then what do you think they do with the bodies?"

The kittens all looked at each other, then ran out of the room. "MOOOOOOOM!"

* * * * *

Fred was quite surprised when Aisha came to visit him. Even more surprising was what she brought with her: a check for…well…everything Gene owed him. Actually, it had been several checks, but they all added up to that. She swore that they were good, too. He hadn't believed her…until she pulled up Starwind & Hawking's account. Sure enough, all the money was there. Legally, for that matter.

He hadn't told her about his new wife. But then, she hadn't asked.

* * * * *

Jim was quite surprised to learn that someone wanted Cachit. Even more surprising was the amount that someone was willing to pay. With a little tweaking, it came out to everything that Gene owed Fred, and then some. He'd quickly made the trade, and the money was transferred to their company's account.

Jim wanted to tell Gene about it, but the customer had sworn him to secrecy.

* * * * *

Fred's new wife could hardly believe her luck. At first, she'd only married Fred for his money. After she heard he'd officially gone straight again, she'd jumped at the chance. She had no real love for him; it was all about the money.

But then she'd found out that Jim Hawking was in town, and that he was trying to sell something she had great need of. She'd been skeptical, at first. But when she tested it out on Fred, he'd signed the divorce papers with no fuss. He'd even given her half of his fortune, which was more than enough to keep her in luxury for the rest of her life.

And now, she was driving over to Starwind & Hawking Enterprises. No, not to thank Jim, but to make her dreams come true.

Absently, she reached over and patted Cachit's head. "You're going to make me a very happy woman," she said, smiling.

Cachit only grinned and burped.

Iris turned back to the road, her smile growing even wider. "It took me forever and all the tips I've ever made, but it's FINALLY going to happen. Gene Starwind will be all mine…and NO ONE will keep us apart! HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

She was so busy laughing that she missed the turn and drove straight off a cliff. Cachit merely teleported out of the car. Iris merely traveled the rest of the way down, and was still laughing when her car hit a boulder and exploded instantly. She stopped laughing after it killed her, of course.

* * * * *

Gene & Melfina lived happily ever after. Gene was out of debt for the first time in his life. Melfina's happy being a wife & mother…and because she doesn't have to clean up bloodstains anymore. She's still a little upset about the mess the kittens left on the carpet. Jamie got over his fear of Ctarl-Ctarl. He still has problems with the Anten Seven, though…

Jim & Aisha lived happily ever after. They eventually named the new twins Lion & Lynx. Aisha still holds her respected position on Ctarl-Ctarl, and Jim is still happy working at Starwind & Hawking. He mostly only fixes electronics now, though. Nope, no more wild adventures. The kittens keep him busy enough as it is. The kittens eventually stole the Outlaw Star and renamed it "Jungle Cat." Gene's still plenty pissed about it, but Jim gave him the extra money from his deal to pay for it.

Leilong & Suzuka lived happily ever after, too. Leilong eventually went back and killed the rest of the Anten Seven & Hazanko (with some help from his family, Gene, and Aisha). Suzuka killed Hi…er…Mask Man and got revenge for the death of her relatives. Nina still practices with her Daddy's sword, and that thing is HUGE. Oh, and she's also taken on the trade name "Dawn Nina." No one really understands, but you better believe they stay the heck outta her way…

Fred lost half his fortune, but he's still happy. The women are all over him, now that he's single and still quite rich. He might even get married again. Probably not, since he enjoys the attention.

Cachit's happy. He lives with whoever he wants, whenever he wants, and doesn't get yelled at or chased anymore. 

People who are probably not happy: McDougall Brothers (lost in space & depressed, not to mention very horny…), Gilliam (violated & now covered in cat hair), Reiko (sucked up), Aisha's nurses (badly bruised), Anten Seven & Lord Hazanko (all dead), Iris (dead, but she did go laughing…), and the minister (who never got paid, and as a result, Gene has to sign official documents as Mr. Break Wind).

The End.

(didn't see that coming, did you?!)

I'm replying to some reviews in public (sorta) for the first time. I know what you're thinking. "You don't have time to reply to reviews! You should be writing more stories, dangit!" Well, sorry, but even *I* need a break sometimes. Besides, I *like* reviews. And if you didn't know, now you do. So here they are.

Sakura 

YOU JUST GOTTA FINISH THIS STORY!!!!!! PLEEZE, I'M BEGGING YOU!!!!!!! Jim+Aisha=LOVE4ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

****

I agree. Death to all who may oppose their happiness!!! Okay, not REALLY, but you get the general idea...

* * *

Mystical Jade 

OMG, no ... That's just WRONG! Too wrong for words, lol. But I loved it! I'm looking forward to reading more, and hope you post again soon. 

****

Yes, it IS wrong, and you DO love it. That's why I wrote it. That and I have a very sick mind. But you guys seem to love THAT, too...

* * *

L.A. Whitfield 

Oh damn is that it! Gerrrrrrr!! ^_~ Oh lordie lordie lordie this the the best Outlaw story I have every read! This is sooo cool! Awesome work Nate Grey!! Everyone is in character too! My favorite part was the part where Harry started humping Gilliam! Oh my God!! This is definetly going on my favorite list! I am soooo looking forward to the next chapter! PLEASE PLEASE get it out ASAP!! 

****

Uh...thanks. I'd never consider humping Gilliam in character for ANYONE, but uh...it was funny, wasn't it? :)

* * *

TheCowApprenticeToSatan 

Strange! Absurd! Comical! These are all words which best describe your story so far. It must take a hell of alot of imagination to have Suzuka dink Fred. The characters are really well written, especially Aisha and Jim. Keep it up. 

****

*Dink?* Is that what you kids are calling it these days? And yes, it does take some imagination, and I have a hyperactive one. Aisha & Jim are well-written cuz I pay attention to my faves. Interesting name...are you a Cow & Chicken fan...? Just wondering...

* * *

AnimeGirl 

ROTFLOL, this has got to be without a doubt the most funny thing I have read to date on FF.Net! Let me guess why Fred wanted the cachit in the first place. Was he planning to use it on Gene? 

****

Nope. As you prolly know now, Hi--er...Mask Man forced Fred to find Cachit... (Don't worry, I did find out his name in time for my next OS story...)

* * *

Iria 

This is HILARIOUS!!! I hate your evil cliffhangers!!! : p Keep up the awesome writing...can't wait to see what's next : ) 

****

Yes...my cliffhangers ARE evil. BA HA HA! So I've been told.

* * *

fantasymonk 

Woohoo! More ficcie! *grins* This is funny and dramatic and full of action! More! More! *bounces* I think the part about Suzuka and Fred was hysterical... *still snickering over that one* 

****

Yay! Bouncey! Boingy! *achem* Uh...thanks. People seem to like the Fred/Suzuka pairing, for some strange reason...

* * *

Highly Flammable Man 

Well, i think its good...you should keep writing...heheh, demi-humans are always good in my opinion, especially the feline ones..heheh...heheh.... 

****

How very...nice for you... Um...catchy name! (cuz he could CATCH fire...get it?! oh, never mind.) I like catgirls, too... ^_^


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